Wednesday, September 24, 2008
# 3: Can't you just feel it!!!!
http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://grhomeboy.files.wordpress.com/2007/10/gkiona_mountains.jpg&imgrefurl=http://grhomeboy.wordpress.com/2008/02/02/the-gkiona-mountain-range-in-greece/&start=8&h=300&w=400&sz=37&tbnid=qQycrSNoVQFCyM:&tbnh=93&tbnw=124&hl=en&ei=DQDbSL20Fo70sAPxkbmIDA&sig2=WBDjrRJ6v8PhTh_0VPAGvw&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dmountains%26gbv%3D1%26hl%3Den%26sa%3DG%26ie%3DUTF-8&usg=__KaAV7TyB8fW8wlBJ-3fMzGmi2o4=The trees blow swiftly, swaying back and forth like the earths hands. The fresh crisp air whistles as if flowing through a thousand flutes. The lingering smell of water flows within the air like the sun to the sky. The trees bleed colors of red and orange. Tamelessly the leaves die, falling to the ground and breaking into pieces like a puzzle of lives lived. The vibrant smell of pine and fresh water swam up the paved road like a family of ducks. The sun hides shyly behind the dominant clouds, as if scared to live life. The mountains stand strong as if protecting the world and its surroundings. The fresh water in the air leaves you with thirst, as it goes to help protect its surroundings from people and there crual actions.
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2 comments:
Your description is very strong and you do a good job with word choice. I think that some of your similes are very powerful and they truly enhance your writing. However, I would take out a few of them because it gets too repetive if almost every line is a simile. I would keep The fresh crisp air whistles as if flowing through a thousand flutes, and Tamelessly the leaves die, falling to the ground and breaking into pieces like a puzzle of lives lived. However, in the sentence the sun hides shyly behind the dominant clouds, as if scared to live, could be turned into a regular statement not a simile by taking out as if scared to live. You did use a lot of adjectives like fresh, crisp, cruel, swiftly, and vibrant. These are all powerful words, but I would limit them because we were suppose to try to only use a few. You did a really great job describing so I didn't even need a picture to look at but next time add a picture! Great job.
Wow. I thoroughly enjoyed reading that. Your metaphors and similes are amazing. They seem very original. I read that before even looking at the picture and I was able to picture my own image just from what you wrote, which was amazing. I liked the line, "The fresh crisp air whistles as if flowing through a thousand flutes." I could hear the sound play in my head and I got that it would be like that if the wind were blowing. I liked the number of similes and metaphors you used because, to me, it didn't get repetitive. I was able to add more and more to my imagined picture with every metaphor and simile you used. The only thing I would work on is removing some of those adjectives. As already said, the assignment was to use as few as possible. I think that you had such a powerful description, it would be fine to just cut down on some of the adjectives. All in all, great description.
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